"WRITE"

 

Well hello,

I was sitting in my classroom and immediately I just wanted to write. I wrestled for a minute telling myself; "I'm going to get a new journal soon just wait", but then I heard... Blog..   No wrestling, no maybe later, I just opened my laptop and walked write into it. It felt easy..

Can I be honest... looking over my blogs brought tears to my eyes. Whenever God told me to move before I did my best to do so. Studying, journaling, blogging teaching was such a breath of fresh air with God, but in the now. it feels foreign. Oh,  how I miss those times. But then guilt rushed over me... Shame, heart break, and sadness filled my mind, heart and soul, and all I could do was release the only sound God could collect and I felt He and only He could understand... my tears. 

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have recorded each one in your book. - Psalm 56:8 NLT

Even in my pain like a gentle press the scripture softly reminded me I was seen. 

How our past and pain can hold us in a space that makes you feel unwanted, unheard, and misaligned. I felt this and more.  

I'm reminded of the moving Precious, in the scene where Precious played by  Gabourey Sidibe finds out that she's HIV positive. She's in her classroom with her classmates and  everyone is writing. Ms. Rain her teacher, played by Paula Patton, is making her rounds , glancing at everyone's work, but she pauses when she sees' Precious words, "Why me?" 

There's been many journal entries I've written where my why was inevitable. I cried out why even when my mouth couldn't say it. My heart did... my cry did. Ms. Rain told Precious to come to her office. By this point of the movie Ms. Rain is aware of her shift just in those two words, but if I can stand in the gap for Precious and insert myself. Old coping skills can feel invisible, when new pain hits you in the core. 

Precious didn't move, Ms. Rain shares her shock by saying "excuse me" once she calls for Precious and receives no response. Precious shares with everyone that the nurse says she is HIV positive and she doesn't feel like writing today. 

In that moment I knew by Ms. Rains face that she too had no words to express, she was hurt too. While her heart felt torn,  Precious heart was already broken. But she remained grounded and what she believed in... Precious.

  "I remember you once told me you never got a chance to tell your story... write" 

My friend Marie always says two things can be true at the same time. In that moment range came over Precious and she screams "FUCK YOU" As she cried out her story.

Ms. Raine didn't take her cry out personal, she allowed her to cry out her story how she could, in this case it was an outburst of anger and sadness, grief and loss of hope. 

I've been there... I am there.

When God said blog he didn't dismiss my pain, He was honoring it. (honor means high respect esteem, or reputation for integrity and moral righteousness)

"Hear my cry O God; attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You. when my heart is overwhelmed' Lead me to the rock that is higher than I" - Psalm 61"1-2

When a friend of mine  from church told me to pray and set boundaries she didn't penalize my cry she honored it without dismissing what she knew to be true. When God whispered blog He knew what was going to come out of me waaaay before I did. 

He knew what was in me would naturally flow out of me.  word by word.  Throughout this blog, I was focused on, how can and old thing work? But then something new came out of me... My pain and the truth. 

I didn't know where this would go but I'm glad I listened. 

A small step can produce big results. 

My heart feels less heavy, my mind feels clear.

Love you but God loves you more... until next time 

Kita